When I was Younger

The Cancer Diary: Afterthought 7 – Grieving
September 24, 2013
Good Grief: Jet Lag of the Soul
October 22, 2013

When I was younger I lived in Santa Fe. It seems like eons ago, even though it really wasn’t that long…in geologic time.  In many ways, I have completed a full cycle and am back in Santa Fe part-time. To paraphrase T. S. Eliot: I shall not cease from exploration and the end of all my exploring will be to arrive where I started and to know the place for the first time.

I’d like to think that I’ve grown and changed over the many years away from Santa Fe, but, in some ways, I can be the same woman I was then. Life has beaten me into submission many a time, but I still can be willful, impulsive and inquisitive. I’m more loving, more open and more tolerant, but, on occasion I can be triggered to agitation and anger, although I now have tools to cope with these sudden bursts of overwhelming emotion. I’ve gained a different perspective; have faced more of the pain, the trauma, the joy life offers, but at moments I can expect too much of myself and others.  The main difference between now and then, beside the fact I rarely wear cowboy boots or turquoise jewelry, is an awareness that intrudes on my thoughts, feelings and actions, softening the edges and making me a little more capable of compassion and understanding.

I have walked a mile in your cowboy boots and I know how it feels.

I had another dream of the dome house leaking the other night. Leaks in dream symbolism represent the drain of emotional energy and damaged ceilings often point to a trickster in your life. It’s not surprising that I have had this dream twice in the last week considering my present situation. I am drained and am being bombarded by bad news on a daily basis.  Santa Fe has been my escape and my solace, but I leave tomorrow morning to return to Oceanside. And as lovely as my beach house is, it contains constant reminders of what I’ve lost, and what I am about to lose.  I can’t decide whether I’m happy to be going home or sad.  I guess, only time will tell.

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